Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
