Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
