Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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