i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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