she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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