did you get engaged???
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
