I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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