The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
