I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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