I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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