now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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