Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
