At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I cockslap morals
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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