new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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