Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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