Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
