If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
