i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
