The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize