So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
