Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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