we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
