Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
