Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
