Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize