she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
