GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
