Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
