Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
