sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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