I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
