I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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