They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
