you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
