i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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