I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just high enough for therapy.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
