last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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