I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
