dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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