Cold hands, warm shart.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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