I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
