Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
