the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
