I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
