dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
