my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
