Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
