Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
