Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
