I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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