i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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