he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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