so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
