I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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