if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
