Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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