HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
