This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
