my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
