woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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