ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
