just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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