I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
